Bush May Lack Gene for Human Speech

Creators Syndicate - A team of genetic scientists stunned the world today by revealing that President George W. Bush may lack the gene necessary for human speech.The scientists, who had been studying the genetic differences between humans and chimps, made the discovery about the president almost by accident, a spokesman for the group said.

"We happened to be looking at the blood work from the president's recent physical," said the spokesman, Dr. Alvin Kunen of the University of Minnesota. "We found extremely high potassium levels, indicating a banana-rich diet rarely found in humans."

Prompted by the banana clue, scientists probed the president's DNA further and found "no evidence" of the gene that enables humans to speak.

From the White House, the president had no comment.

But even as some in the administration angrily questioned the scientists‚ findings — arguing that the president often said things — Dr. Kunen said that many non-human primates were capable of producing basic, "speech-like" utterances.

"In our experiments, we were able to teach a female baboon named Bonny to say such things as 'tax cut,' 'evildoer' and 'regime change,'" Dr. Kunen said. "This should not be confused with actual human speech."

In a related finding, the scientists said that former President Bill Clinton possessed an "abnormal double-gene" for human speech, meaning that it was "virtually impossible to get him to shut up."

Clinton's DNA was culled during his second term in office, when the former president's genetic material was widely disseminated.

Award-winning humorist, television personality and film actor Andy Borowitz is author of the new book "The Republican Playbook," to be published October 2007. To find out more about Andy Borowitz and read his past columns, visit the Creators Syndicate Web page at www.creators.com.